Life Without Baby

Filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday December 12, 2012

Well, we knew it was coming, and here it is. Last week the feted royal couple, William and Kate, announced the impending arrival of the royal heir.

I’m happy for them, I really am, because I could not imagine them having to through any sort of infertility issues in the very, very public eye.

But I can’t say I’m looking forward to the coming months of baby mania. Holy moly, if the wedding excitement was anything to go by, it’s going to be brutal.

Fortunately, there will hopefully be some humorous respite to ease the pain, such as Snooki offering the Duchess motherhood advice. Um, yeah, Snooki, why not offer up some style advice while you’re at it?

It’s Whiny Wednesday and I’m not feeling especially charitable towards celebrity mothers today. How about you? What’s on your mind?

 

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26 Responses to “Whiny Wednesday”

  1. Maria Says:

    All I can say is thank god for Whiny Wednesday. The past few days, I noticed my husband was depressed and withdrawn and he wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. He finally told me last night. His best friend called him a few days ago to tell him his wife was expecting. They were trying for a few years and didn’t want to do IVF but it happenned naturally. My husband actually broke down and cried in front of me. They were the last couple out of all our friends who didn’t have children and he thought that at least they were in the same situation as us. He said hearing the news, he felt so left out, so left behind, that we are stuck and not moving forward, and he held all this in because he didn’t blame me (I have the infertility issue) and didn’t want me to feel the same way. I wasn’t upset about his friend, but I told him I felt the same way when my brother announced his wife were pregnant. We were able to talk about it and I’m glad I was able to comfort him and not be upset with him. But it’s making for a pretty shi**y christmas.

    • IrisD Says:

      I’m sorry about this, Maria. We never wish others our troubles, but it helps us feel more “normal” or “less lonely” when we have friends who can relate to our experiences because they live it. Most of my friends have kids, but there are a few who chose to be childfree and are happy about it. Over the summer one of these friends, who now lives out of state, came down to visit and we went out for lunch with my mom. After, my mom said something along the lines of “Oh (friend) doesn’t have children.” She said it in a way that somehow reflected relief in her part, that she was noticing that not everyone has kids, but they’re happy nonetheless. My sister in laws sister and her husband do not have children together. She has a stepson, but he and his wife have chosen not to have children, either. So now family gatherings include 3 couples without kids. It is somewhat of a relief! One of the things that has bothered me the most about not having children, is the questions and the comments directed at my parents or at me in front of them, by other adults who should know better. In all honesty, though, I think some of the comments that have troubled me most have been made with malicious intent, out of jealousy or envy. I’m glad you were there to comfort each other. Our infertility is mf and it has been difficult for me because dh and I had problems communicating when it came to this issue. I wanted to talk about it to see if and what we should do about it. But, he felt responsible and would link our relationship/our staying together to his inability to have biological children naturally, and it would infuriate me because I did not marry him for the sake of having children. I would not want children with someone else.

      • Maria Says:

        I agree with you, we don’t and would never wish our troubles on anyone else. My husband felt (as I did with my brother) happy for his friend and upset at the same time. When my husband and I met, we were friends with all these other couples and we were all in the dating stage. All the couples ended up getting married, including us but we were the last to get married. We watched them all buy homes, have children, and, as my husband described it last night, watching them all acquire the things in life everyone dreams about. It was just us and this other couple that didn’t have children and we felt more normal with them. And, all those couples who had kids excluded us from their lives in all their parties. Now my husband’s friend and his wife are part of that group, and we are left out in the cold. He said he feels more alone in this than ever. It also doesn’t help that a childless couple we were good friends with moved out of State 2 years ago and we haven’t been able to find a replacement. You are lucky to have 2 other couples in your situation because it really can be a comfort. All the people we know who have children really don’t understand our emotions about this, they pity us and that’s the worst part of all. I understand your husband’s difficulty talking about this — most men can’t talk about their feelings to begin with. But even for me, as a woman and the infertility was all my issue, I couldn’t talk about it until recently. It was just too painful. Anyway, thank you so much for the kind note. It really means a lot to me.

        • jthorne Says:

          Oh I feel your pain, Maria! All of our married friends – all of them – now have children. Our last couple friends that didn’t have children announced their pregnancy to us over dinner one night. That was fun!!! I wanted to cry right there at the table. They were the couple we always went to dinner with and on weekend trips and since baby arrived, we have seen them twice (in two years). It can feel pretty isolating. All of our brothers and sisters (except for one who lives across country) have children so we are always “the couple without children”. Some days it bothers me more than others. And don’t get me started about those Christmas cards that are crowding my mailbox everyday with all those baby and children’s pictures. Ugh!

        • Jenn Says:

          I can relate, we were the first of our friends to get married and thought we would have kids first. Now all our friends are married and have a few kids in the time we’ve still be trying for one. Now we are left out of get togethers because we are the only childless couple in our group.

  2. Lee Cockrum Says:

    I totally agree, although I do feel badly for her dealing with her Hyperemesis gravidarum
    In the public eye. I’m also dealing with a lot of people on FB who are pregnant. I hate to block them, but it is hard.

  3. Jenny Says:

    I wondered if the Royal announcement bothered anyone else. It really triggered something on my end. 😦

  4. S Says:

    I immediately thought of this community when I heard the royal news. I figured everyone would be thinking the same thing as me – “oh crap, here we go.”

    My confession for the week. I cried at church. Each week a family brings up the offertory at Mass. This usually isn’t a big deal for me but this particular week we sat closer to the front and had a great view. I watched a beautiful family present the gifts. The mother has dressed them all in coordinating clothes (She does this often. Many people comment on how lovely her family always looks.). I know this couple. She graduated from my school a year after me. Her husband graduated a year before. Well, she looked beautiful. Her husband is a good-looking guy who goes with the program and was dressed in a sweater with a shirt peeking out that coordinated perfectly with her outfit. Then the three little guys – all in various outfits with just that perfect pop of color. They could have been going to get their family photos done later that day, they looked so perfect. Perfect.

    I know appearances don’t mean anything. They could have driven home in stoney quietness and spent the remainder of the day, angry, in their perfect house, eating a perfect meal. But I know these nice people and I can only assume that even with their human qualities, life is probably pretty nice for them. My life is nice too. But still.

  5. IrisD Says:

    Not surprised that we would get the “royal announcement”. As you said, it was bound to come. What has bothered me more have been some of the trashy magazine covers on this issue. I think it was Star?, or whatever its name is, that had a headline that read: “Finally!” Really? They’re newlyweds, and within a year of their marriage, we refer to a pregnancy as: “Finally!”? What if they had had fertility issues… Whatever, I suppose, it is one of those trashy magazines that has had Brad and Angelina cheating on each other and separating on every cover and Jen pregnant on every other, but it’s always at the checkout counter. Maybe we can hide them from view or place them upside down on the shelves.

  6. gaylene Says:

    I left the room the first time I saw anything on TV concerning “them” and do my best to not hear anything about it or see anything in the paper. Now that my local cable company has converted SOMETHING again and I didn’t prepare for it, we have no TV at all. I’m thinking that’s ok!

  7. Nadine Says:

    As for the royal announcement I really hope this goes well for them, having infertility problem or a miscarriage in the public eye must be extra painful. However, the non-stop media attention is already driving me mad. I used to like reading tabloids, but now they are so centered on baby this or baby that, I cant stand them.

  8. jeopardygirl Says:

    We are going to London, UK for 3 weeks at the end of May 2013. We’ve saved and planned for this trip for many years, and we’re excited about it. Guess what? Kate’s due date will be imminent during our trip. Argh! I hope the little one can wait until after we leave. If I’m honest, pregnancy doesn’t bother me anymore, but baby and “happy new family” photos do.

    • IrisD Says:

      It just hit me that I’ll be in the UK as well, around the first week of June. None of my friends there are into the royals so chances are I won’t even notice. Going there for my long awaited graduation ceremony. Hoping to make it a nice family trip/vacation. Spring/summer in the UK is gorgeous. I hope you have a great time!

  9. I am really pleased for Wills and Kate. I wish them all the best. They have other issues to contend with like the media, not having a mother ( William) and having their lives played out for all to see. Even being childless, I wouldn’t want to be them in a million years. Life’s hard for everyone one way or another.

  10. Wolfers Says:

    A cousin had announced her pregnancy last month- so you can imagine my confusion when I saw a photo of her holding a newborn last Thursday! I was like…? Pregnancy..next month baby?

    Turned out they were trying to be considerate of ME- thinking it’d be easier (read between the lines- for them) if they’d wait until the month before having the baby.

    So instead of two babies and a pregnant woman to deal with,, there’d be THREE babies at Christmas time- so more reasonable for me to stay away from family.

    And yes,the royal announcement, two other friends having babies here, and two co-workers with their tummies out this far, my mood have been darkening so far. :/

  11. Hat Says:

    I have been able to reconnect with old friends on FB again, and one of them is a dear but is also a mother of 2 (although she totally gets the infertility thing cause she wanted more and coudn’t) andlately has been on a “moms are wonderful, you cant understand unless you are a mom” photo sharing mood. I am not angry at her, nor am I going to mention it, cause she is happy to be a mom and she is sharing stuff she likes. Fine. I am hiding all of them. ;’-)

  12. Robin Says:

    I was bummed out by the announcement too. The weekend I heard about it there were two other announcements by people I know. The 3 together just made me lose it. I’m doing a little better now but that weekend was awful. I, too, wondered if I was the only one going around, talking to my counselor, saying that there were 3 announcements I was trying to deal with that weekend. I know only 2 of them were personal friends but for some reason I feel like the “royal announcement” was just as hard to handle even though it’s not like I know them personally. Not exactly sure why that is… maybe it’s the realization it’s going to be everywhere! I am happy for them and would never wish anything bad on them I just hope I can keep avoiding all the tabloids. I’m happy that I don’t have cable that’s for sure.

    • Jenny Says:

      “but for some reason I feel like the “royal announcement” was just as hard to handle even though it’s not like I know them personally. Not exactly sure why that is… ”

      I wondered too why it hit me so hard. I think it is for two reasons: 1. Part of it was all that bit about the morning sickness which I see as a rite of passage (in a sense) that I’ve missed. (Well, I’ve had morning sickness, but no baby to prove it. ) 2. I think it is also the underlying unspoken notion that the “Happily Ever After” ending to a fairy tale must end with a baby.

      • Robin Says:

        I know, the phrase “Happily Ever After” needs to have a revision of sorts. I think maybe we should make a list, movie, book or something of “Happily Ever Afters” that don’t end with a baby. Think of how many that would reach!

  13. Deanna Says:

    At first I to wanted to turn the channel when I heard the news. Then when that radio show phone call prank happened to one of the Royal’s nurses at the hospitol and then for some reason the nurse committed suicide I felt such sadness for the Royals (and the nurses family). How confusing it must be to deal with the wonderful news of a first baby and dealing with a prank gone so horribably bad at the same time. My heart goes out to them.

  14. Charlotte Says:

    I’m so glad you whined about this as I too felt awful when I turned on the news to see the announcememt. I agree with Jenny that the morning sickness idea upset me as I see that as success and would have killed for that. I also too feel some bitterness at the happily ever after idea and wonder why some people are so lucky and others not so much.
    I’m really struggling at present as had another baby announcement and now all my female friends and couples are either expecting or have babies. The last few social events I have just felt so out in the cold and to be honest bored as the conversation is all about babies and kids. I feel a sickening sense of dread about what the next five years or so are going to be like. I don’t know how I will cope with all the babies. I have been pretty avoidant the last few years but now to have any friends at all I will have to brave the new mums and babies. I know I will end up in the toilet or in the car on the way home in tears. I know it gets better but right now it is baby bonanza and the media coverage of the royals will at times feel unbearable.

  15. IrisD Says:

    On morning sickness… Just wanted to say that this part of it does not make me envious in any way. My sister-in-law was severely sick when she was pregnant. She could not keep anything down, and I do not mean for a month or two, but during her entire pregnancy. She was at first provided an IV to keep her from dehydrating, but then had to be fed via a feeding tube. Because she was pregnant they could not use x-rays to insert the feeding tube, so they punctured her lung. She had to be rushed back to the hospital because she could not breath. So, there is morning sickness… and then there is morning sickness. I wouldn’t wish the second on anyone.

  16. Jen Says:

    I wonder how the Royals would have reacted if this young couple has decided children were not on their agenda? Interesting thought. As with all of these things, I’m happy to go on a news ban for a while. No doubt everyone of the ladies at my office will be gaga over the baby news, but I don’t think I will join in, regardless of my own situation.

  17. I hate all the stuff about the royal pregnancy. I lost twins not long after they announced the pregnancy — so now I get to see it everywhere, on my pregnancy timeline, and not have my babies. Just throw some more salt on that one, universe!


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