Life Without Baby

Filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday: Skunks June 13, 2012

Filed under: Whiny Wednesdays — Life Without Baby @ 6:00 am
Tags: , , , , ,

We have a skunk family living under the house behind us. It’s so fun to watch them scrabbling around in the garden with their little tails stuck in the air, all attitude. I’m not foolish enough to get close, but from a distant, they’re terribly cute…

…until they dug up my vegetable garden.

I came out the other day to find my pepper plants all felled, my tomatoes tunneled under, and skunk-sized holes among my Swiss chard. There was dirt and seedlings flung far and wide.

 

Trying to maintain a good attitude, I am grateful that I even have a garden in my urban environment, and that there are critters that get to share this space. But, as it’s Whiny Wednesday, I’m dropping the Pollyanna act for today. Grrr.

What are you muttering about between gritted teeth today?

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28 Responses to “Whiny Wednesday: Skunks”

  1. ootastic Says:

    We probably have squirrels in our attic. There’s definitely some scampering noises around 5am.

  2. Maria Says:

    I could not wait to post today. I have to say that 98% of the time I am doing good but yesterday I was feeling really sorry for myself. I talked to a friend who is 44, 16 weeks pregnant with a donor egg, who found out she’s having a boy and sent me a picture that she is showing. It brought back memories of my miscarriage and made me rethink my decision to not do IVF or use a donor egg. We did not do IVF because my eggs were so poor (at a young age) I had only a 1% chance of conceiving. the one time I got pregnant I thought was a miracle but turned out not to last. For reasons too long to explain here, I did not want to use a donor egg. A friend happenned to call me (who also can’t have children) and I told her how I was feeling. She told me to get over it, that I’m being ridiculous, that if I wanted to have children I would, and that I didn’t really try. I told her I tried, I still don’t use birth control. She said, no you didn’t REALLY try. That really hurt me. In the past, I have blamed myself, that it was my fault, that I didn’t try hard enough. What else could I have done to try? Should I have endured multiple IVFs that had no chance of working to show I was REALLY trying? Should I have tried IVF with a stranger’s egg (somethign I was morally opposed to) and had that fail to show I was REALLY trying? Should I have forced my husband to go through an adoption process he did not want to do to show I was REALLY REALLY trying. My friend told me, everything you have in your life you decided you wanted, you went out and got. But those were things I had control over, I lost complete control over my body, I didn’t want to control my husband – I wanted him to agree to adoption because it was what he wanted — not just to make me happy.So for the record, I did REALLY try. I tried as hard as I could. And I keep trying to be happy and not feel sorry for myself. But if I slip up and feel sad, it would be nice if once, just once, I had someone available who understood me. If there is someone out there who understands, please reply back to me because I write this holding back tears in my office at work and it’s going to be a difficult day for me.

    • Heather Says:

      Maria, shame on your friend. Just because she can’t have children too, doesn’t mean she knows what your going through, have gone through, or how you feel. Shame on her for judging you, and telling you how she feels you didn’t try. People judge, open their mouths to say how they feel or perceive what they think they know without even having the story straight or knowing the entirety of it. You tried. I don’t even know you, and just the small amount of what you said, I know you tried. You did what you and your husband could do with out killing either of you. You have your limit, just like anyone else, and your the only one who knows when enough is enough. REALLY trying…. it’s not a thing or even a choice at times. You try what you can handle and then you have to know when it’s done. I tried… I did WAY more and I am sure someone out there would tell me I didn’t try enough… well I don’t care… If I had died while trying… would that have been trying enough for them?!? I lost more than I ever had during that time in my life… Maria, I hope you know there are woman out there that support you, that you can go to, don’t let this person get you down or doubt your ” trying “. Some people should learn to keep their opinions to themselves. I hope your day gets better, I hope you look in the mirror and smile that your alive and well. Think of all the good things you have and that the only friends you need are one’s that don’t say hurtful things.

      • Maria Says:

        Thank you so much Heather. I am so glad for the people here today and the kind things they have to say. Reading your post has made me feel better and brought tears to my eyes at the same time. You do understand.

    • mccxxiii Says:

      Oh, Maria … I hear you, sweetie. I hear you. Big hugs. If you were here at my office we could go cry in the bathroom together. I think you and I are sharing a lot of the same experiences.

      I have had people (including a psychiatrist) challenge me on the idea of “childless by choice” — as in, saying that I shouldn’t be so whiny because I’m “CBC” … I have made the *choice* not to pursue single motherhood through DI/IVF/donor egg/adoption/whatever. In their mind, I have no right to grieve or mourn because I could *choose* to be a mom if I really wanted to simply by undertaking those pursuits.

      But I don’t *want* to be a single mom! I don’t *want* to raise another woman’s child with no partner for support. I don’t *want* to have to explain to a child why I created her knowing that she would never have a known father and would always have 50% of her identity missing. My desire to be a mom shouldn’t trump that innocent (hypothetical) child’s right to have a full identity.

      I’m not “choosing” to be childless, but fate/God/whatever is putting me there, and it sucks and I hate it. I like to think that I have enough self-awareness to understand what I truly want and what I can’t handle, and to arrange my life accordingly so I don’t take on something that isn’t right for me … and yet that apparently makes me ineligible for sympathy or understanding.

      Hugs to you, Maria. The others of us are out here, too. We are sending you good energy even if you can’t see us.

      xoxo

      • loribeth Says:

        (((HUGS))) Maria. I think this whole idea that we “chose” to be childless (as I have said before, “Some choice…”), that we didn’t want a baby “enough,” is one of the biggest stumbling blocks in getting others to understand our situation. I’m assuming the person who told you this has children & no fertility issues. :p (Although I sometimes feel like some people who have adopted or had a child through DE, etc., have the same opinion.) We all have our individual limits — physical, financial, emotional — & I’m not sure how many times we’re expected to bash our heads against a brick wall (or even a plywood one) before someone decides we’ve suffered enough & can stop now. :p

      • Maria Says:

        Thank you, thank you mcxxii. It really helps to hear those words.I sympathize with your situation and feel the same way. I can’t be selfish about what I want when it comes to a child – their needs come first. You are right to be thinking about your choices the way you are.

        And thank you loribeth. The friend that called me does not have children and not by choice. She and I have cried together and that is why her words felt like a slap in the face. She has different issues – a blood disorder and if she tried to have a baby she literally would die. Her options were surrogate or adoption and she decided not to do either because she has a shortened life span and her husband was afraid of raising a child alone. I was really shocked by what she said and then I remembered it wasn’t the first time she has said it to me. She has either moved on so completely she doesn’t care any more, or maybe it’s just a defense mechanism to hurt me to avoid her own pain.

      • Elena Says:

        I understand you so well, I am childless because my ex couldn’t easily get me pregnant and in the end after one IUI decided he didn’t want to either, didn’t want ME anymore. That’s when i was 38, i am turning 40 now, i just don’t think i will ever have children even if my body seems to be able – or have been – to conceive. Thing is in that situation, every month counts and if I want to have a child at whatever cost I should act NOW. But i can’t, i can’t just randomly date and pick up the first guy who wants me, and whats worse at my age i am likely to find a man who doesn’t want children OR it’s likely that I will now cheat HIM of his dream because i am too old. And I can’t just have a child who will one day ask me “who is my father” and i will have to say “oh you know, some sperm donor/some guy i slept with just to have you but he doesn’t want anything to do with you”. People just don’t understand that i crave a FAMILY not a child from a stranger. I am slowly learning not to blame my ex for “destroying my life” and i am also trying to grasp the fact that it IS really my choices that make up my life – and that i should not blame myself either for my choices!!!
        Really it’s the same for us all, whatever the “circumstances” or “medical problems”, in our time and age people just can’t accept that not every kind of problem will not just be “fixed” some way or other and go away.

    • Kellie Says:

      Sending you hugs today Maria and to tell you that you are not alone and that I understand and feel your pain. What frustrates me is that they think they have the right to judge you because you didn’t try everything they did to achieve pregnancy. Even if you did go the donor route or the adoption route, there are no guarantees that it would have worked anyways – trust me as I went through numerous IVF’s and tried four times using a donor and I ended up with nothing….but I still get judged by people because we didn’t try adoption. I’ve been told that I obviously don’t want a child that bad since we didn’t go down that road. The F**cking nerve of these people…it just pisses me off – especially your friend who has experienced infertility and the fact that she is sending you photos…knowing how painful this is. It’s amazing how quickly people forget where they once were once they get pregnant.

      Take care of yourself today Maria and know that we are here for you and understand your pain. Go have yourself a good cry…and then find a dart board, paste the pictures of these so-called friends and start throwing darts at them! 🙂

      • Maria Says:

        Thank you Kellie. I think I will do the dart thing. I was supposed to see this “friend” tonight and I cancelled because I didn’t think it was healthy to see her. She will argue with me if I try to tell her how I feel and I was afraid she might bring it up again. The friend that is pregnant with the donor egg keeps calling me to share her joy. I keep trying to push her on another friend that has 2 kids but she only wants to talk to me. She never went through the infertility rollercoaster of emotions so she just doesn’t get it. She got married, came back from the honeymoon, went through IVF 3 times with her eggs (no success) one time with donor and boom pregnant in less than 5 months. Her attitutde toward me is this was so easy, I dont’ know why you didn’t try it. Yes, definiately getting the darts out tonight.

    • Klara Says:

      dear Maria,
      your friend is REALLY silly: does she think that there is some kind of to-do-list that is same for ALL of us?

      I hate it when everybody thinks that IVF is magical solution for everybody. It is not. And believe me – I know what I am talking about. I had 10 IVF unsucessfull treatments in 5 good clinic in 3 different countries. 9 with my eggs and 1 with donor egg.
      I did go for an egg donation after several years of thinking about, but it did not work out.
      But after thinking it a bit further – we came to the conslusion that we have to much moral opposion to try it again.

      So – I just wanted to say that I REALLY REALLY understand you!

      Another thing – I love reading your comments, thoughts on Lisa’s blog. You are so talented for writing. Have you thought of creating your own blog? I would love to be your first subscriber!!!

      hugs!!!

      • Maria Says:

        Thank you Kiara. Your comments really help. It’s so easy to second guess these decisions years after the fact. I know IVF wouldn’t have helped me and I’m glad I didn’t put myself through it. I’m sorry to hear you went through it so many times.

        I’m glad you appreciate my comments. I have thought about being a guest blogger here. I’m afraid to create my own blog because I fear negative comments from the vast internet world. But I feel safe here and I appreciate your supportive comments.

    • Kellie Says:

      I’m glad you are taking care of yourself tonight and not going to dinner with this “friend”. You may have to let the one that is pregnant know that you just can’t deal with her pregnancy at this time….she probably won’t get it and you may lose a friend; but don’t put yourself through tough situations if you don’t have too. I “lost” a friend who got pregnant naturally at 41, pretty much by sneezing. She didn’t understand..or care to understand what I had been through…and wanted me to live vicariously through her during her 9 months. I did my best to distance myself from her…I was honest with her as to why…she didn’t understand and thought I was being unreasonable; but I didn’t care what she, or anyone else thought. She had her baby 2 months ago and slowly we have been talking again. I just had to focus on myself and do what was best for me at that time.

      Happy darting!!!

      • Elena Says:

        Maria, I really hope you are feeling better by now, but can i just say that it seems pretty harsh to me to say about your friend that she never “went through the rollercoaster of emotion” since you are saying she had 3 IVF and one with a donor – I would say she must have had a pretty hard time!! I wouldn’t say 3 IVF and one donor IVF is “Boom, pregnant” but it sounds like quite a long and painful way. Maybe she could actually be someone who understands you if you try some patience with her. Try not to weigh your unhappiness against hers.

      • Maria Says:

        Hi Elena, I didn’t mean to discount my friend’s feelings. She went through 4 IVF in 5 months and got pregnant. When she started it, I offered to be there for her because I had been through the emotional rollercoaster for 5 years with nothing to show for it. She did call me throughout it and really wasn’t depressed or anxious. She was so laser focused on getting what she wanted, she was willing to put up with anything. She sometimes giggled telling me about her experience and said once it definately wasn’t for the weak at heart. When she got pregnant, she asked me why I didn’t try it. Her attitude seemed to be it was a guarantee if you had the guts to do it. I’m not trying to get down on her but I agree I think I need to avoid her.

      • Maria Says:

        Elena, sorry I forgot to mention my friend only spent 5 months TTC. She came home from her honeymoon, the next day went to the fertility clinic, spent the next 5 months TTC through IVF, and then pregnant. I guess I am comparing it to my 5 years of TTC but I did not see her on the rollercoaster at all.

      • Elena Says:

        Hi Maria, thanks for explaining, I understand now where you’re coming from. I think its shocking that someone doesn’t even TTC the natural way but goes straight to IVF after their honeymoon! (but again, I don’t know enough about her situation). I can see how she must believe that IVF is the solution to anything. It’s this use of fertility medicine that puts this enormous pressure on us all.

      • Maria Says:

        Yes I agree. FYI, my friend also told me that her fertility tests showed her eggs were good enough that she could conceive naturally but she didn’t want to waste time and went straight to IVF. When that didn’t work, she went straight to donor. That shocked me too. Also brought back a lot of “why me” pain because my eggs were no good at a much younger age.

    • Mali Says:

      Maria, when I read this I was horrified, then I saw that your friend can’t even try to get pregnant, and I think it helped me understand why she said what she did. Not that there’s any excuse, but I suspect she’s struggling with her own position, and can’t imagine being in your position and accepting (however reluctantly) that your efforts to get pregnant are over. As Loribeth said, even those who’ve gone through infertility with us can’t always understand our so-called choice. So really, it sounded to me that she sounds a little resentful, and that’s why she said what she did, rather than that she deliberately wanted to hurt you. Still, I know that it hurts to be judged.

      • Maria Says:

        I think you are right Mali. I came to that conclusion in order to forgive her. She has to have a lot of pain she is avoiding and I think she projected it on me.

  3. mccxxiii Says:

    My Wednesday Whine: I have mentioned before a dear friend, one of my last childless married friends in town in my social group, who “crossed over” at the last minute, had a baby shower that I was expected to co-hostess, etc.

    She had her baby this weekend. She’s officially on The Other Side now. 😦 I’ve seen all the hospital pictures of mom and dad and baby looking all happy and proud and full of potential, grandpa and aunts and uncles beaming over the new addition. So, so depressing. Another one bites the dust.

  4. loribeth Says:

    My whine for this week: too much to do at work, & absolutely no energy or motivation (hence — I am here, haha). I sense Aunt Flo’s impending visit. :p Plus the weather is gorgeous — I would much rather be sitting on my front porch with a magazine & glass of iced tea than stuck at my desk in a cubicle.

  5. Kellie Says:

    My Wednesday Whine….new guy at work (a real creeper) starts at a very high wage to begin with (almost 35K OVER what the previous employees started at)…has been here 4 weeks and gets an additional 20K raise yesterday. He is now the highest paid employee here…did I mention he has been here 4 weeks and we have guys working here for over 10 years….., and he doesn’t do much of anything.

    He comes into work today to make sure that I don’t forget to put the raise in….like, really??? and then starts telling me that he doesn’t feel like it’s enough and that he is worth more….WHAT AN ARROGANT A**HOLE!!! I think I have a cold coming on and may have to take the rest of the day off! 🙂

    • loribeth Says:

      Holy cow — what the heck did he do to deserve $20,000 more after just four weeks??!! (And in an economy like this one??) He must know somebody. :p

  6. Hat Says:

    on the weekend I went to the District Convention of JW. On Saturday there was a talk about how God is close to those who are broken hearted, he doesnt tell us to just get over it. apparently Driver (my husband) was paying attention because during the last talk i realised they were releasing something wonderful for parents of young children, I cried for the whole last part of the talk and the closing song and prayer. Rather than tell me to get over it as he would have and stopped himself from sayingto me, he just held me and let me cry. The next morning they discussed Hannah 🙂 another sore subject but brought peace just the same, peace that they didnt forget us CNBC’s. Lookingforward to moving out of big house we are going to sell and go into rental housing, so Driver can be home more. In the mean time its nice to know I am not alone in pain of loss of what i couldnot have right now.

    • Maria Says:

      Thank you for sharing. The thought that God is not expecting me to “get over it” but is here helping my broken heart is a lovely thought that I will carry with me today.

  7. Maria Says:

    I just want to thank everyone today for their comments. It has been such a blessing to find so many people who understand what I am going through. Because of your comments, I do feel better. I don’t feel the need to cry all night or eat a ton of junk food or get drunk. I got home from my work and was able to have a pleasant conversation with my husband (instead of a crying meltdown I might have had in the past) because you have all made me feel better. Thank you so much ladies. We are doing good work here.

  8. Klara Says:

    dear Maria,
    also that would be a great idea – being a guestblogger on Lisa’s blog! I am looking forward to it!

    Regarding the negative comments – I was also afraid of them. But guess what – in half of year of writing a blog and after aprox. 200 comments not even single one was a negative. They were all kind & supportive. And when I see the first negative (I am sure it will come one day) – there is always a magic – DELETE 🙂

    Wishing you all the best!


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