Life Without Baby

Filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

It Got Me Thinking…About What Makes Me Crazy June 5, 2012

By Kathleen Guthrie Woods

You think you’re finally okay with being childfree, then your best childfree girlfriend announces she’s EXPECTING! and you find yourself sobbing hysterically over a carton of Haagen Daz. You turn on the six o’clock news thinking you’re going to hear actual news, but instead you get bombarded with baby bump status reports and profiles of unnaturally gorgeous celebrities who reveal secrets for losing all their pregnancy weight in just 4 weeks. You attend an important conference, all excited to focus on building your business, and get stuck in the middle of a passionate discussion about the struggles of working moms.

Is it just me, or is the Universe trying to make me crazy? I thought I was just being oversensitive, but then I got a new cell phone. In order to set up the apps, I needed to read the manual, which was only available online. In order to get online, I needed to register my phone. In order to register my phone, I needed to get the serial number from under the battery, inside the back panel. To open the back panel, I needed to refer to the manual. (Warranty be damned, I finally pried the thing open with a screwdriver.)

Once I got the manual, here’s what it said about organizing my apps: “Icons that have the * symbol cannot be removed. Only icons with the * symbol can be removed.”

I give up. Clearly the world has gone mad and is taking me down with it.

Pass the ice cream, please.

Kathleen Guthrie Woods is a Northern California–based freelance writer. She’s mostly at peace with her decision to be childfree.


9 Responses to “It Got Me Thinking…About What Makes Me Crazy”

  1. Wolfers Says:

    THAT is EXACTLY what I had gone through in January…. I was starting to resign myself that I will be childless, but “okay, I can handle that as long as my best closest childfree friend is there with me, I won’t be alone”, when she then told me that she was expecting. I still remember vividly the moment she told me in email. I silently shut the laptop close. I stared into nothing,and then a bomb went off with screaming and throwing things. I ended up crying (I even counted tissue boxes as they emptied out, six tissue boxes, all in one day). Wow…just reading your article and saying what I’m saying now, I feel like deja vu, bursting into tears all over again. My emotions were raw, and now I realize I hadn’t YET recovered from that, which was of course complicated when I had the surgery in February, her no longer in picture. It was like someone had ripped ANOTHER hole out of me as the childlessness left a hole in me. I had felt horrible and guilty for my feelings toward her for a long while, in even that I wrote about it in my blog Baptism by fire, “Simultaneity” the post title. Mali pointed out, “You need to look after you first, before you can begin to think about being there for someone else.” Unfortunately she is right- I have to focus on myself, to take care of myself, but…i still don’t LIKE it.. I still feel raw even now,

    ***virtual HUGS***** Although I WISH we’re in the neighborhood so I’d give you a hug and hand you another bowl of ice cream. I like Rocky Road ice cream, BTW.

  2. Amel Says:

    Oh my GOODNESS…(((HUGS))) One thing piling on top of another…dear Lord…wishing you better days ahead!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Maria Says:

    I remember the day, about 2 years ago, when my brother told me he and his wife were expecting. They were in their 40s, it happened naturally. He called me at work to tell me and I had to shut my door and cry for over an hour. I also thought he and I were in this infertility together and it made it easier in my child focused family. Now I feel like more excluded from my family than ever. When I see my brother, I am so guarded with my feelings that our relationship is not the same. And I write this knowing I am in a good place and I feel good 98% of the time. It’s just hard. Wish I could tell you it will be ok. I don’t know if it ever gets ok, but it gets easier to deal with as time goes by, it’s just so gradual. The only time I realize it’s get easier is when I take stock of my feelings. Hugs to you and Wolfers.

    • Mali Says:

      Maria, I felt a little like that with my sister. I’d thought we were going to be “no kids” together – then at 42 she got pregnant.

  4. Kellie Says:

    Totally understand Kathleen….please pass the Cookies n Cream. XO

  5. Illanare Says:

    Totally understand too. Hugs.

  6. Mali Says:

    Kathleen – the universe isn’t out to get you specifically, but it does seem to be spreading its $#!& around at the moment. The conference thing would have made me the maddest I think. But I will confess your phone story make me laugh. How infuriating!

    Fortunately, ice cream does help to ease the world’s woes. (My favourite is Gingernut – a local flavour – I wish you could try it).

  7. AirportsMadeSimple Says:

    Hi! Just read your post. I agree! Here’s another thing I find annoying: when you’re trying to read something – anything – on the internet, and there’s an ad for diapers, or kid toys, or clearblue whatever…for goodness sakes! not everyone cares! I’m no child-hater, either. But c’mon. And, the infamous question I get from strangers: “So, how old are your kids?”……the response of “I’m sorry, I have no uterus because I almost died and had to have an emergency hysterectomy” just seems so callous and insensitive. Then again, who’s the insensitive one? :0

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