Life Without Baby

Filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday: Haters Gonna Hate May 23, 2012

According to Urban Dictionary, “Haters gonna hate” is:

“A phrase used to acknowledge individual superiority in the face of negative external accusations. Can be repeated twice for emphasis. Often accompanied by a strutting walk away from offending party.”

I’m adopting this attitude towards the rare negative commenters who find their way to this blog. I’m not talking about those who offer an alternative point-of-view or simply disagree with an idea I post; I’m referring to the random people who drop by once, pick and fight, and then never come back again.

In the interest of creating a positive and supportive community here, I’m now practicing my “haters gonna hate” strut and the judicial use of the “Unapprove” button. I may even adopt this attitude in the real world.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What do you wish came with a “Delete” button?

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21 Responses to “Whiny Wednesday: Haters Gonna Hate”

  1. Leanne Says:

    hmmm….i wish that other people’s verbal comments came with a ‘delete-and-erase-from-my-memory’ button. oh…that would be so nice! i’ve only started commenting recently because i’ve only felt like after a few months of daily reading, i’ve become part of the community. i don’t understand the concept of making negative comments and then disappearing. sorry to hear that happens. my whine for the day–what i thought was allergies has now turned into a full blown cold and i feel miserable! colds shouldn’t be allowed in the spring (almost summer) weather!

    • Kellie Says:

      Hi Leanne…I couldn’t agree more with you about the delete button – I would especially like the erase-from-my-memory button. I struggle with getting and staying angry at people who say the wrong thing to me. Deep down I know they just don’t get-it, and don’t really know what they are saying, but I still can’t help but get mad.

  2. Lee Cockrum Says:

    Struggling today, friend just had her baby last night. I am very happy for her, but very sad for myself. It just makes me think of all the things that I’ll never experience.

    Leanne, I can sympathize, I am getting over a spring/summer cold.

  3. Maria Says:

    I work with someone who uses the e-mail list discussion board for this exact purpose. He loves to hate and start topics just to get people upset then hides behind “freedom of speech”. I don’t understand what these people get out of it — it must take a very sick and twisted mind.

  4. Kathleen Guthrie Woods Says:

    I would like to delete the limoncello I had with dinner last night. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

  5. Maria Says:

    I am very close with my niece who is 24 and like a daughter to me. A few years ago and for reasons I won’t detail here, I had to set some boundaries with her mother (my sister).It was done in a stupid and cheerful way but didn’t go unnoticed by my sister who has always had a lot of hostility and been very passive aggresive to me.This past weekend my sister purposefully excluded from an activity that my niece invited me to. I also noticed that my sister is manipulating her to feel guilty for seeing me. I perceived it as my sister turning my niece against me which is especially hurtful because she knows why I can’t have children. It really hurt my feelings all weekend and I wish I had someone from this blog available to talk to. Any kind words today would be appreciated.

    • hohan Says:

      My sis in law does that to me. Just mean. I disagreed with her on something, so she just pulled them from our life. She has the only grandkids, so my hubby and I have becone left out or only considered around the “family with kids” schedule. It has now been 6 months and still going on….. The last couple of months I started doting on my friends kids, and planning our luves w/out worrying about them. Its not nice, but they will never understand how we have to deal with infertility, and how painful thier
      actions are.

  6. S Says:

    That stinks Maria. For you and for the 24 year old gal who I’m sure feels terrible about excluding you. I guess your sister knew exactly how to “punish” you and did it. What a waste. Hopefully over the years your niece will work her way through her mothers guilt and back to you.

    My complaint is a “holier than thou” person in my life. We were once close but this past year she has drawn closer to our religion (in a bad way). A random rant I recently shared with her turned into a different conversation. She revealed that she felt people in our life needed to repent for their many sins and draw themselves closer to God.

    It seems she has given a great deal of thought to the way these people live their lives and has many complaints about them. The people we were discussing have (in my opinion) annoying flaws, but at the core of their being are good, decent people with productive lives, lovely families and friends. I won’t deny that I myself have annoying flaws.

    In her opinion they are on a path to hell. In other news her neighbors are not “good” people because the little girl showed someone underware, the school her children attend are full of “bad” kids so she has opted to home-school. Our government is corrupt (don’t even mention Obama), the food at the grocery store is full of unhealthy things, blah, blah, blah.

    The conversation was ridiculous and for the first time ever I felt she had officially lost touch with reality. Any conversation leads to something negative and fearful. A man at a playground must be up to no good. A discussion about sandwiches leads to how terrible store bought bread is and how she HAS to bake fresh bread so her family “doesn’t have to eat garbage”. She can’t buy a decent swimsuit for her girls because ALL clothing manufacturers want to turn children into sex symbols.

    i wonder what is in her life that is making her cling to a beautiful religion and turn it into something that gives her license to judge and reject most things in her life. I feel sorry for her children who have few friends and I fear a great deal of sadness in their lives.

    And I’m really annoyed that she thinks she needs to pray specifically for ME. I’ll take any prayers one wants to say about me. But make no mistake – I might not know what the name of the current Pope but I still know who to pray to. I feel 100% strong that I live the way God wants me to (at least most of the time). I know how to find joy and love and acceptance even in bad situations. My need for salvation is no greater or less than what it is for another person.

    But I’m mostly annoyed that I have trouble confronting this person. And she is family so avoidance is not an option.

    • Maria Says:

      Thank you for replying to my comment. Ironically, she sounds a little like my sister when she was going through a religious phase. Sometimes I think people who are inclined to be paranoid and judgmental gravitate toward religion because it provides a platform and justification for their mental defects. Anyway, I wanted to say that you should not confront this person because you will only open yourself up to being attacked. She probably won’t allow you to spend time with her children but when you see them at family gatherings, make a point to tell her children that you are there for them, give them your phone number, and tell them to call you whenever they need someone to talk to so they don’t feel completely isolated with a deranged mother. If you can’t keep silent during her rants, do some research in the Bible when you know you will be seeing her and keep certain phrases from the First Amendment handy, e.g. “judge not, lest we be judged ourselves, he who has not sinned may throw the first stone, god is love, etc.” and remind her that jesus hung around with sinners (and not the saints) because they were the people that needed to be saved; so if it was good enough for him, it’s good enough for the rest of us.

      • Maria Says:

        I can’t believe I wrote First Amendment – I meant New Testament. I don’t know where my head was at…

      • S Says:

        Maria thank You for your reply! If your sister is like mine my heart does go out to you. Your suggestion on not confronting her is probably the best advice I’ll get so at least your situation has helped another.. I never thought about how she could keep her kids from us. I’d hate to think that would happen but obviously it has happened to you so there you go. We love the kids and they love us, especially my husband and he would be devastated if we couldn’t see them.

        Even better advice to use the “judge not” quotes. I had hoped to lead by example and maintain positivity when her rants get too bad. I just feel so terrible letting her say such ridiculous (and false) things about people. I can’t believe that a person who truly feels God’s love could have such judgemental views. I won’t throw bible research at her because she is very argumentative and I don’t think I could keep up. I like your example about how God embraced the sinners. I have people I genuinely don’t like but even I had to admit that those people have positive qualities and perhaps my dislike is partially because of my own person shortcoming (i.e. not liking someone because maybe deep down I’m jealous). She can’t seem to find this happy medium. She only focuses on how to combat the negative and not how to embrace the positive.

        Again, thank you for your help! i hope you and your niece are able to spend some “secret” time together as it seems like she will need your help from time to time. I know my early 20’s were overwhelming years.

  7. jeopardygirl Says:

    I just got my beginner’s driver’s licence. I’m almost 41, and lived for most of my adult life in a city with a decent public transit system, so, while being a non-driver was sometimes inconvenient, I managed just fine. However, since moving to this small town, I’ve become a bit of a hermit, because I can’t get very far under my own steam. So I bit the bullet, and got the learner’s permit this past week.

    The rant is this: my husband refuses to allow me to drive the car until I’ve had a couple of lessons with a driving school. Fine, I was planning to do that, but the next session starts while we are out of town, and the following session doesn’t start until July 9. AND, there’s only one local driving school. If I’d known it would take me 6 weeks to get behind the wheel of a car, I would have waited a month before writing the darned test!

    • loribeth Says:

      You’re not alone… I actually do have my driver’s license — got it when I was 24, just before I got married & moved to the big city — but I am a nervous driver, & for various reasons/excuses, I haven’t done any driving in years. I feel guilty because my grandmother never drove & made me promise I would not be like her. I did start practicing a bit when I was pregnant, because I was darned if I was going to be at home with a baby on maternity leave and have to rely on our less-than-stellar local public transit system to get around… but after I lost the baby, it didn’t seem so important. 😦 Maybe that will be one of my projects when I retire. ; )

  8. Wolfers Says:

    At this moment, I’m hating a hater- we were close friends for years, I’ll call her Ren- Ren told me she doesn’t want to have children. I had another friend- I’ll call her Sally, whom I had grown up and was close with, in which I had introduced Ren to. They became friends, thro not close. That was great for ’em. However, now that Ren who claimed she didn’t want children, finding them nasty, annoying “handicapping freedom”, suddenly turned around and announced she is pregnant (planned) well into her second trim. All that during the time I found out I won’t have children (and Ren had been there, knowing my going in and out for tests, she out of blue said she was pregnant. After having to decide with a heavy heart, that I couldn’t hang around with her while going through grief. Of course she was angry- (THAT I expected, understandably, she’d feel betrayed)..but what I did NOT expect is that she also told Sally lies about me, what I ‘supposedly said’ about Sally and how I allegedly mistreated Ren (“calling her manipulating, sending her nasty letters, slandering her left and right with everyone”, which I’m telling you, is NOT my style- heck I’d tell you who knows what happened between us is just one sister-in-law/friend, a college friend and my best friend.) and – Sally out and abandoned me- no explanations, no clues, absolutely nothing. One day Sally was talking with me about camping together in summer and was looking forward to see me in New Orleans, next day email blocked, deleted me and blocked me on facebook, her husband did the very same thing. I was like WTF?!? (how I know was ’cause a friend of mine who is also friends with Sally told me what happened when I asked her if Sally was okay (alive, not dead or injured in accident). I sent her an email to another email address she has, asking her to talk with me and see if we can figure everything out. No response at all.

    So, I’m flat hurt. This is SO high school, I’m telling you. I’m starting to think that infertility is not just of the infertility itself, but of friendships, the ripples throughout all aspects of life, and it stinks.

    • Maria Says:

      I’m so sorry. It sounds like these “friends” were not really friends at all. If they are going to act this way, you are better off without them. You should spend your time with other people who know how to be true friends and forget about these two.

  9. Angie Says:

    Started Summer session in nursing yesterday and today was the day to view the new neonatal wing and L&D where I will spend 2 total days. I thought I did well visting it. Saw some babies and was ok ( I thought). Went back to the classroom and had a “mini” meltdown 10 minutes before and exam- which I did not pass.
    I do not want to be a bitter woman, I really don’t, and am struggling with that so much. Other ladies in my fertility support group have either had babies or have a “plan” in the pipeline. There is no more “plan” for us. No money, no more insurance, and I turn 40 in 2 months. Time is ticking away and we do not have the answers, nor the child that we have been hoping for for the past 4 years.
    I “think” I am trying to move forward – I try to tell others that it is what it is and we will never have children but they will not let me accept that. They tell me I don’t know what God has planned. That is true, I do not, but I cannot keep walking around thinking we will have a child when He keeps saying no. 6 miscarriages seems pretty clear to me.

    • shari Says:

      Angie, when I was in nursing school, we did a 3 week rotation in an OB unit. I did ok until I had to feed and care for a crack baby. I held it together until I got in my car at the end of the day and cried for over 2 hours. Also, it was hard dealing with all the women who apparently were able to just pop out babies. I remember one woman who was a lesiban. This woman breaks up with her partner (who has to do some jail time) and the woman hooks up with some guy. The woman gets pregnant and goes back to her partner. I have nothing against lesbianism, but just the careless way the baby was conceived. Needless to say, I realized OB isn’t my calling.
      Re the “others” who seem to think you are giving up and God will answer your prayers with a baby. I know they mean well, but they don’t have a clue what you are going through.

  10. mina Says:

    I find this community here extremely nice and friendly with very few haters. I’ve seen much worse.
    There’s an interesting thing: I live in Europe and people seem to use internet forums far more than blogs, for example the childless community. Now in a forum it’s very hard to refrain from answering again and again and again to a discussion, even if the discussion is a virtual one with people you don’t see and know. I’ve probably turned into a “hater” myself a few times on forums when i felt that people simply refused to understand what i was trying to say. I’ve also experienced virtual ostracism when women in an online community which is supposed to be public (if anonymous) have started to gather in “in-groups” and wouldn’t allow me in. While on a blog, you write a comment rather than a contribution to an ongoing discussion. It’s more one-way and discussions tend to stop once everybody has stated their opinion once or at the most twice. Just by the sheer difference in structure of forum vs. blog.

  11. rantywoman Says:

    Funny, just yesterday I was thinking of using the “unapprove” button on a nasty comment, but I let it through, as I always do. So far there have only been a few of them, but I’ll stop “approving” if it ever gets out of control.


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