Life Without Baby

Filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday April 25, 2012

Hooray, hooray, it’s Whiny Wednesday today!

This week I was in a conversation with my friend “K” and a young woman who said of their mutual friend “D”, “She’s never going to get pregnant if she keeps stressing out like this.”

K and I exchanged a knowing glance (she knows all my story) and I think she probably held her breath for a moment, waiting to see if I would actually lose it on the spot and give this woman a full on lecture about infertility.

I didn’t. It wasn’t the time and place for a teachable moment. Instead I said, “Well, that’s easier said than done. Trust me; I know.”

Still, I can’t stop thinking about D and hoping she has someone to talk to who understands the hell she’s undoubtedly in right now. I know that K understands, but it’s clear that not all D’s friends do.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. I’ve set a bit of a melancholy tone here, but don’t let that stop you from venting what’s on your mind today.


24 Responses to “Whiny Wednesday”

  1. Quasi-Momma Says:

    How about someone who has had her own struggles and should understand, but is not quite as open now that she’s a mom? That’s where I am. I’m not sure if its just that the friendship itself is waning or if I’m too sensitive to it. But I get the feelng that she thinks I’m not doing all I should to make things happen, but I don’t think she’s taking into account the gap in our ages and income. I’m kinda sad about it.

  2. loribeth Says:

    I already posted my whine of the week in a previous comment, but feel like whining again. ; ) I had to take my blog private last Friday. A distant cousin “outed” me on our family Facebook group — found a link to one of my (non-IF) posts (about my grandparents) & posted it. (!!) Fortunately, it was only up for about 20 minutes before I saw it, & I’m one of the group admins — so I deleted the post & took down my blog for the time being. I know one other cousin saw it (& signed up as one of my blog followers!! — I’ve blocked her) & my mother got an e-mail notification and asked me about it. I’ve told them all that I had written other stuff there about my infertility journey that I didn’t necessarily want other family members reading. I’m hoping things will blow over soon (since the weekend, so far, so good…) & I can go back to blogging — I have been reading & commenting here & elsewhere, but I miss it! 😦

    • Quasi-Momma Says:

      That stinks Loribeth. I love reading your POV. Hope your back up and running soon.

    • IrisD Says:

      I’m also feeling Loribeth deprived. I’m quite private and there are only a handful of people I talk to about my IF and feelings on being childless, so blogs like yours and Lisa’s are sanctuary and a place where I can post my views. Anonymity is important to me, so I hate it that this space of your own was violated. I think your response has been the right one and that you caught it early enough. I read your comment about it earlier this week at Mali’s.

      • Kate B Says:

        I read your post on SIlent Sorority about this. I’m sorry that happened. I’ve kept my mouth shut about my blog around my family because I don’t want them reading it. We all need that private place. I hope you get yours back soon – in part selfishly because I miss your blog!

      • loribeth Says:

        Thanks — my blog is back up again! : )

  3. ootastic Says:

    The drugs for my IUI cycle arrived this morning, but I have to wait a couple of weeks for my next cycle. I’m worried my fridge will suffer a powercut in the meantime!

  4. mccxxiii Says:

    Mine is sort of a pre-emptive Wednesday Whine brought on by the dread of what I know is coming. I am single, childless, no siblings, and I lost my mom to cancer 12 years ago. Right now my closest friend in town (married), who I happily thought was going to remain childless by choice, is due in June and my cousin (married), who is like a sister to me, is pregnant with her second.

    Each is the person I would go to when I need to cry about the other situation, and now both avenues are blocked. Now I just cry in the car by myself.

    In the next few weekends I have to co-host a baby shower *and* deal with the massive media onslaught of Mothers Day, reminding me with every turn that I’m *not* a mother, I’m not going to *be* a mother, I don’t *have* a mother, and yet I am required to celebrate other people’s impending motherhood — of course in the presence of their *own* mothers who are all excited about becoming grandmothers, which is another thing I’ll never be.

    I am working SO hard on acceptance and even appreciation of my own unique life situation, and on being mindful of the advantages that it brings to me that others don’t have. But the second Sunday in May is always a bitch, and layering the baby shower duty on top of it this year is really grinding me down. It’s been a long time since I’ve wanted this badly just to disappear.

    • Maria Says:

      You don’t have to do anything except take good care of yourself. You are not doing that by co-hosting the baby shower. No one expects you to twist a knife in your heart for them so please decline their request to do this. Also, look to form friendships outside your current circle. Until then, we are all glad to be friends to you here.

    • Kellie Says:

      Yes, like Maria says….you come first! You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost. Helping host a baby shower is definitely not taking care of yourself.

      Just remember, we are here for you and if you ever need to talk, please reach out to the wonderful people on this blog.

    • IrisD Says:

      Oh mc, I hear ya!!! There are two women that for the past 20 year or so of my life have stayed very dear friends to me, I’d say best friends, except, I think we’ve lost quite a bit of that closeness. The first had a baby at 40, when I was 36. I was over the moon for her as she had a pregnancy phobia and this had become a huge problem in her marriage. She is one of those people who got pregnant on the first try. We got together about a month ago and talked about how my feelings of chidlessness affected me and it felt really good. She really listened like she used to when we were younger and confided all sorts of things in each other. A few years back she had been one of the people whose comments had hurt me the most. My other friend had her baby when she was 36, and I was 38. I didn’t have a huge biological clock tick tocking madly at my ear, even then, but when she got pregnant and had her shower, her mom was there when I was told and gave me the pity look. I went to the shower without an issue. After my friend had her baby, and I went to see her at home (I was also at the hospital during her c-section), all her family who I’ve known for years started asking me when I was going to have a baby. I said I didn’t plan on having one (didn’t want them poking their noses into my business) and I was asked what the purpose of my marriage was. The years since catapulted me into baby thoughts, ticking clocks, severe pregnancy envy, anger, frustration, and a deep sadness. I keep thinking I’m coming out of most of it. That talk with my friend helped quite a bit, coming here and reading blogs from wonderful women who have successfully traveled the path from childless to chilfree has been great, as have some very positive blogs by decidedly chilfree women who help me look at the positives and provide a space away from idyllic images of motherhood. I too wish you didn’t have to go to that shower now, but I know I probably would also have been the one co-hosting for my friend. This mothers day, I’m hopefully traveling, but if I couldn’t and lived away from family, I think I would indulge in a fun novel and some really good takeout!!

  5. Kellie Says:

    My whine for the day is about a couple of good friends who had previously struggled with infertility – went through everything that we have gone through, and then some. Finally, they were successful, two times over, in getting pregnant. These particular friends (whom we haven’t seen in about a year) seem to have forgotten where they once were and what they went through. They have become as insensitive as my other friends who have never gone through infertility pain. After seeing them Sunday and listening for over 2 hours, non-stop, about their wonderful children, never thinking to ask how we are doing, I am just angry and in no rush to see them again anytime soon.

    • Maria Says:

      I have had several friends like that too. I felt like they are so happy to be part of the “club” that they didn’t want to remember what they went through. I used to say, they were the “haves” and we were the “haves not.” We stopped spending time with them and found a bunch of couples without children. Please,please do that for yourself — you will never regret it. For example, my friends with kids would take their children to the pool and fuss over every little thing their children did. When I go to the town pool with my friends without children (who are in their 40s, 50s and 60s!), they act like children themslves doing cannonballs and refusing to get out when the lifeguard called thunder.If you have a choice to spend time with people who bring you down, or make you laugh, let go of the downers and don’t feel guilty about it.

      • IrisD Says:

        Where did you find your childfree friends?????!!! I have a few now, but mostly because they are a decade or so younger, and planning on having kids one day. And I have a few good friends who are older and without kids, but they live overseas or out of state….

      • Kellie Says:

        Thanks Maria….we have been really focusing on finding friends “like us”, and it’s been difficult. When you are in your early 40’s and living in a new area, it generally is a bit more difficult to make friends – usually it happens through school events; but we have managed to find other couples with older children, who don’t feel the need to talk constantly about their kids. The occasional topic of prom and high school sports come up, but that doesn’t seem to bother me too much. I guess, as I am not that envious of the parents who are dealing with their teenagers and all the drama that comes along with the teen years.

      • Maria Says:

        Someone asked me where I met other childless couples. One couple I met when they moved into our neighborhood. Their house was on my running route and I would see them outside grilling on their BBQ and they invited me over. Another couple we met through other friends at a party. Another couple we met on a golf outing. Another couple I met in an infertility support group. Another couple I met through a person I worked with. Just recently, I found another friend who works at my current job. It helped that my husband and I actively started looking for people a little older than us that didn’t have children so there wouldn’t be the issue of them trying to conceive. Anyway, I hope that helps — let me know if want to discuss more.

    • Kate777 Says:

      Kellie, I’m so sorry to hear this….and selfishly relieved that I’m not the only one experiencing this:) One of my best friends was infertile and we were able to support each other through the journey. Then she got pregnant, and I was so excited for her! And then…. She was a chronic over-sharer through her pregnancy and now that she’s had the baby, we don’t seem to have anything in common. We work together, so I’ve worked hard to keep the friendship ok- but sometimes I wish she’d make more effort. It’s like she just can’t connect with my journey anymore. I thought she would be the one person who would always understand. I’m trying to be grateful for the season we were able to support each other and accepting of how things are changing now. (but, I reserve the right to avoid the baby mania and find friends who are genuinely interested in my life). Good luck x

  6. CiCi Says:

    My whine today has taken me all day to actually post because I feel hugely guilty about it but here goes…
    I was volunteered to work in our children’s church for the month of May. While I know it’s my duty to be giving to others and to help out wherever I’m needed, my heart is having a hard time with it. I don’t have a need for children’s church (aka no children to place there) so why me? Why not one of the other mothers? I know a lot of us got volunteered but honestly, I should have been last on the list. I like being in the church service and now I’ll be missing out on being fed the Word…and have to take care of little ones. I’m being selfish, I know, but I can’t help it.

    • mina Says:

      how can you “be volunteered”? Volunteering is doing something voluntarily. You obviously don’t want to do that. Just say no next time. 🙂

  7. Rainbow Brite Says:

    Here’s my whine for the day. I’m sure ya’ll will understand my frustration 🙂

    Well-meaning Facebook friend: “Just finished watching the latest episode of Guiliana & Bill and it had me crying tears of joy for them! I pray and hope for others who are having issues with having a child. Don’t give up! It will happen!”

    I am very happy for G&B, but affording a gestational carrier (or any number of other expensive options) is hardly a viable option for most couples. And I get so tired of people telling me not to give up. Giving up is a PERFECTLY VALID option!! I wish there were a kind way to say that and help them understand.

    • IrisD Says:

      I think that what you just wrote IS “a kind way to say that and help them understand.” If you are open with your infertility struggle, what you wrote here is a perfect thing to say, and I think will bring awareness to others.

    • Nicole Says:

      Yes, I agree. Why can’t people accept our choices to stop trying? Sometimes people almost seem offended by my choice to let nature take its course – or in my case, not take its course. It’s my life and my choice.

  8. tidewater Says:

    My whine for today: I went back to school late, knowing deep down it was a way to time pass while hoping for the right one to come along so maybe I could start a family. I work on the weekends at a place that is very fashionable for pregnant women, and it always drives me nuts to see them – all ages, all kinds, all very pregnant. My last bastion of peace was my office at school. But today, one of the other graduate students who just had a baby (a dream!) had the baby and all its cooing all over the halls all day. Grrr… even in graduate school I can’t forget that other women are somehow making it work. 😦

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