Life Without Baby

Filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday February 22, 2012

Forgive me for the sketchy details of this whine, but I’m trying to smudge the lines so that the guilty party doesn’t recognize herself is she passes this way.

When I tell people I don’t have children, why do some of them automatically assume that I never wanted kids, don’t like kids, and am therefore just not a very nice person? And why do they then go on to “educate” me about related subjects that it’s clear they know absolutely nothing about?

Perhaps it’s my fault for not spelling out my infertility for them, but frankly, that’s none of their business.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. Let it all hang out, sisters.

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8 Responses to “Whiny Wednesday”

  1. RuralRabbit Says:

    I get that a lot too. I work with kids, so it actually seems so much more ridiculous, but people really do make that judgement.

  2. Heather Armstrong Says:

    I find that even the closet of friends think that because my husband and I don’t have kids, that why would we want to go to a birthday party, or over for dinner with families that do have kids. I try to explain to them that it’s not that we don’t “like” kids, and I feel like I don’t have to go into depth as to why we don’t have them. Some times I think that people judge and assume without the truth, and really it makes them look like the one’s quick to judge, and not the know it all!

    • S Says:

      We get that a lot too. We have lots of siblings and we do get included in most birthday and various celebrations.

      However if people are getting together to do something random WITH their kids (group trip to the zoo with the kiddos, pizza night before trick or treating, family game night, etc.) we often times get forgotten.

      I sort of “get it”. Maybe some of them don’t really enjoy those activities but they attend because they “have to” for their kid. So naturally they can’t imagine someone without a child getting on board. Maybe they think I have way more fabulous stuff to do. I don’t though. And I get sad when they recount the fun they had at the monkey house or the swimming pool and didn’t think to include me, simply because I am not a mother.

      An furthermore, not having children doesn’t mean that you don’t want to still attend a party and eat cake every once in a while, come on people!

  3. Mali Says:

    I’m fuming for you. A friend once tried to tell me how to take a pregnancy test. Duh!

    And can also relate to the discussion about being excluded from “family” type gatherings amongst friends. Here in NZ, fish and chips picnics (eat it on the floor) were popular with a friend and her children, and her friends with their children. We have never once been invited.

    Not whining this Thursday – well, except about our abysmal summer.

  4. Kellie Says:

    My whine for this Wednesday is that I am use to strangers or certain ‘friends’ to say something stupid in regards to my infertility, but I don’t expect to hear stupid things from my best friend. I mentioned to her that I have been having mood swings these past couple weeks as I am two months late in getting my period and my hormones are out of whack. She is aware that my doctor (and my bloodwork) say that I am in full on menopause (I am 42…another whine for another day) and should be taking hormones. She had the nerve to ask me this morning if I was pregnant? WTF???? I mean, really? Considering she knows my history and that it’s only been a few months since our final round of IVF using a donor (BECAUSE I CAN’T GET PREGNANT!!!) that was the last thing I expected to hear out of her mouth. Her response was that miracles do happen!!

  5. DAK Says:

    Oh Kellie! That happens to me all.the.time. From people I am close to too! I did SEVEN IVFs, a failed adoption and am also in “peri-menopause ” and rarely get AF. Which they all know! I am 44 (bigger whine) and it is like are you seriously kidding!?! Do they think I want to hear that? Kills me. Pisses me off is more like it and I say the same thing every time “No. I don’t think so”. Geeeez.

  6. nonmom Says:

    Amen, Sister! A-Frickin-MEN! People need to learn how to keep their mouths shut. How dare someone tell me about how I feel about children and what I should do to change my situation. Unsolicited advice is worth what you pay for it people!

  7. loribeth Says:

    Amen to all the above. :p There is (still) such a stigma attached to childlssness, & people don’t seem to realize that people can be childless/free for many different & complex reasons. I think people hear so much about fertility treatments, they just assume that even if you have infertility issues, you can just do IVF, & it will work. Or, of course “just” adopt. The implication being that if you don’t have children, you must not want them, because anyone who wants a child can have one, somehow. On the surface, maybe yes — but they don’t realize (until it happens to them) that for many of us, it’s much more complicated than that.

    And some people just may not want children. Which does NOT mean they don’t LIKE children. They just know themselves and their own capabilities and ambitions and limitations, and realize that parenthood is not for them. And I applaud that, because I think it’s far, far better to think about these things carefully in advance, rather than get pregnant because “that’s what comes next” & find yourself rudely awakened.

    I too remember finding out that our BIL & his kids had gone on outings with dh’s cousins & their families when we hadn’t been invited. That hurt. You might not always want to go along, but at least give us the option.


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