Life Without Baby

Filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Whiny Wednesday: It Could Happen to You October 12, 2011

Dear Excited Future Mothers/Grandmothers/Aunties/Friends,

There’s no need to tiptoe around me anymore. If you want to tell me the amazing story of how you/your daughter/sister/friend was told she’d never have children, then miraculously became pregnant, it’s okay. I know these things happen, and I’m happy for you and your loved one. Just please, please, please don’t end your story with, “So, you see…it could happen to you.”

Yes, I know it could happen, but realistically, it’s probably not going to, and hanging onto this possibility will keep me from moving on with my life. And I am moving on. So please just let me move on.

Thanks.

It’s Whiny Wednesday. What’s put a hitch in your git-along today?

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12 Responses to “Whiny Wednesday: It Could Happen to You”

  1. CiCi Says:

    Well said!!! My whiny wednesday would also say: don’t tell me that I don’t understand because I don’t have children. I vented about this already today but I’ll sum up by saying that just because I don’t have children, doesn’t mean that I’m void from knowledge, life experience, love, failures, worry, stress, hectic schedules, etc…they exist in my world too…no really, they do!

  2. Iris D Says:

    Don’t say things that state outright or imply that my life is less significant or couldn’t possibly as fulfilling as yours.

  3. Kathleen Says:

    Am I truly, invited to whine here, about what has put a hitch in my giddy-up. How about bitching? is bitching allowed? I am sick of people being unkind, and I am sick being dumped on by life, and having no family to turn to because I have no children. I have great friends, though I no longer live in the same city as most of them, so I don’t know anyone here really, and I don’t drive. Everyone has been affected by the recession and since everyone is struggling, financially, even my long distance friends are taking-in their kids, or vice versa. I am being evicted, because I fell and hurt both hands. (July) You know how many things you CANT do, with both your hands bandaged? Stitches in both and pins in one. You cant do ANYTHING. You cant reach into your pocket and grab your keys, you can even wash one hand, with ONE hand. ARRGH. And to add insult to literal injury, the manager at my apartment, feels that it is his right to harass me verbally and belittle me about being unable to pay my rent for October. So I want to leave now, the stress of this nasty guy is so upsetting. But not having worked hardly at all for two months, I have no place to go and no money to get there. And my children, my sweet dogs, don’t understand why eating everyday is not a given anymore. I have to be out of here by tomorrow at 10 am and I could sure use a hand UP, not a handout. How does that even work? Will I be standing in the street with my two dogs and my purse? And talk about a life that’s less significant. If I had kids, there are government programs for people with kids. Not for me. The Homeless shelters are full, the tent city is full. Not that either one of them take dogs. If they weren’t full, I am expected to give up the only family I HAVE because they happen to have 4 legs? They ARE my kids. They are bonded to me, and are with me through thick and thin, and with me when I am alone during the holidays. I cant get a loan because I am not working. I cant even get a short term payday loan to get me into an all inclusive efficiency for $225 a week (Eating, is optional) It’s not a very nice place, but its not a box on the street, and it beats 600 or more to get into an apartment. When I get back on my feet I am going to start a non-profit and build MORE homeless shelters and low cost housing. And they WILL accept pets. Like Damn Katrina, when people were forced to abandon their pets. I would have drowned with mine. They’ve changed that law since then, you know.
    __
    I am mortified to be spewing my imperfections here, online in front of all you nice people. No one wants anyone else to know how BAD it might be for them, but I cant take it anymore. Life without the family you wanted is gut wrenching enough. Now imagine that life without your loving spouse. NOW imagine it with no money. That’s my world right now. That’s my whine today. Little Help?

  4. Jenny Says:

    It isn’t Wednesday but I didn’t see this until today. Can I still whine? Facebook. Navigating my newsfeed is like navigating a mine field. Every other post is a baby pic, an ultrasound pic, a pregnancy update, or an announcement of “I am so blessed and fulfilled to be a mom. God is so good. ” The ones that sting the most are from friends who were also infertile. I feel like I’ve been left in the dust. I could unsubscribe and delete all of these comments but then I wouldn’t have any friends. I’m lonely amongst my friends, I’m lonely without them. It sucks.

    • Iris D Says:

      I think we all go through this and all I can think to do about it is to get out there and make new friends, get involved (as much as possible) in causes or activities I care about, maybe make friends with friends who have older children, or are empty nesters… and hide some of those friends from your facebook newsfeed. 🙂

    • Liz Says:

      I don’t have kids because I never met the right guy and I feel the same way about Facebook. For me the ones that sting are those last few single friends finding someone and having a baby at 39, 40, 41… I definitely feel left in the dust.

      • mccxxiii Says:

        Amen, Liz!!

        And what’s even worse to me, in a way, is those friends of mine who are embarking on SMC at this age (39,40,41 …) I know that would be a bad choice for me, that I’m not financially stable enough and that as a single, working parent I wouldn’t have the resources to give a child what I know a child deserves (a complete family, a quality education, enough of my time/attention, etc.)

        But then I see one of my friends doing it, and I start thinking ‘maybe I’m wrong, maybe I *should* be doing that, if she can make it work then maybe I can too’ and it just throws me into yet *another* round of self-doubt, questioning and fruitless, painful doubt and hope.

        SMC is the hardest road of all, yet I’m beating myself up with the idea that if I *really* wanted a baby I would try it … even knowing that it would likely hurt both me and the hypothetical future child in the long run. And I have to start all over with convincing myself of that every time I hear another person’s story.

        I can accept not having a husband … it’s depressing to feel unwanted, but there’s nothing I can do about it by myself, that’s a two-person tango right there. But knowing that I want a baby, that I (possibly) *could* have one, and then also knowing that the responsible decision is NOT TO do that, while watching other people choose the other way … that’s the hardest thing for me.

  5. Dorothy Says:

    Kathleen — I am so sorry to hear about the horrible trials you are undergoing! May God be with you through this. I will definitely offer a prayer for you today, but that does not seem like much in the face of all that you and your furbabies are suffering. Sorry I cannot do more.

    I have volunteered at food pantries and they often have dog food on hand for people who show up for groceries. I’m sure you have tried this already, but thought I would suggest it just in case.

    Dorothy

  6. Dorothy Says:

    Kathleen — I just read in the AARP Bulletin that there is an organization called Pets of the Homeless and it was founded by Genevieve Frederick. According to the article, “Of the nation’s 3.5 million homeless people, 10 percent have at least one pet.” (From Caring for Pets of the Homeless, AARP Bulletin, October 2011)

    Give Genevieve a call and see if there is anything she can help you with.

    • Kathleen Says:

      Dorothy, thank you so much for your posts. Just knowing that a stranger cares enough to think about me and post a note, means a lot. I can “feel the love” long distance. God blesses me everyday, but I invite and accept, any and all prayers.

      Even though I badly, wanted to just b**ch-slap the apt manager, I am a believer that everything happens for a reason. Thanks for the AARP article and website. http://www.aarp.org/relationships/pets/info-09-2011/caring-for-pets-of-the-homeless.html Like Genevieve, animals causes really are my passion. I am starting to think that my current circumstances are leading me to a non-profit of my own! I will contact Genevieve, but I am not out of the woods yet. I got to this efficiency last night at 7 pm and only had enough to pay for two days, which expires tomorrow at 11 am, and I got a little food for us at a Walgreens across the street, and the money was gone. (I could have gotten more had it been a regular grocery store). I only have 6 minutes left on my cell phone, but as long as I have at least 1 minute left, I can still text my friends out of state, though I am VERY new to texting, and rather cell phone “challenged” (my phone cost $9.99 when I bought it last year). The place I am staying is only $235 a week, all inclusive, but I only had $120 which got me 2 nights and the food. So I have to find that today so I will have a week to work and earn some money. Otherwise, I will be right back where I was yesterday (but without the sheriff).
      – I hope you will email me directly at success234@aol.com so we can exchange puppy photos. I do “feel” lots better today, because we have all eaten. I gotta say, they are NOT kidding about those electrolytes. Again, my apologies about the rant/meltdown. I am usually able to “Be Positive” since it is my blood type 🙂

  7. Angela Says:

    Kathleen, I’m SOOO sorry that you’re getting a raw deal right now! It seems like so many people are having a really hard time in multiple ways. I’ve had many rants about being discriminated against because I don’t have kids. If you were anywhere close to Houston, TX you could come stay with me for awhile 🙂 We have people staying with us for various reasons all the time. I would definitely be homeless with my doggie rather than give her up, she’s my best and sweetest friend. Where are you now? It’s the 14th and now I’m worried about you!

    • Kathleen Says:

      Angela thank you so much for your kindness. I am really embarrassed about the rant, but the hateful manager, sent me over the edge. I ended up calling an EX-boyfriend, (IF you can imagine) and he fronted me enough to get me a cab ride to an efficiency motel, and two nights (ending tomorrow at 11 am). I would love to update you more without messing up Lisa’s nice blog further. Can you email me directly at success234@aol.com I would love to send pics of my puppies (and when I say ‘puppies’ they are 10 and 11)


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