Life Without Baby

Filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Last night I had the strangest dream… September 15, 2011

Last night I dreamed I went to a fertility doctor for “once last try.” I’m not really sure what kind of procedure I opted for, but I knew it wasn’t going to work. The doctor was convinced otherwise. Based on listening to my abdomen in the middle of the medical building lobby, he told me–and a woman I knew, who happened to be walking by–that I was pregnant. I knew I was not, and a nurse did tests shortly after to confirm it. Another friend, who has recently become a first-time mother, asked if I was going to try again next month. I told her I was not, because “just one more try” never stops.

And then I woke up feeling horrible.

It wasn’t the content of the dream that bothered me, because I know it was just my sub-conscious cleaning out the junk, but the emotions that I felt during the dream and after I woke up, were all too familiar: hope, with that underlying dull feeling of, not exactly of despair, but despondency. That inner knowledge that things just aren’t going to work out in my favor.

Most of the time I don’t dwell on my experience of dealing with infertility, but all that experience and the related emotions are permanently lodged in my subconscious, and every now and then it seems they’re going to bubble to the surface. Lucky me.


6 Responses to “Last night I had the strangest dream…”

  1. Mali Says:

    Lisa, aren’t dreams and the emotions they arouse in us horrible? Hope your equilibrium
    is restored

  2. Mali Says:

    Lisa, aren’t dreams and the emotions they arouse in us horrible? Hope your equilibrium
    is restored

  3. Kathleen Richwell Says:

    I disagree with Mali. They are not horrible when you dream of seeing a deceased loved one and you are so enjoy seeing them. The emotions there are real too.

    That being said, it reminds me of my Bitch of an Aunt. After my mother’s stroke, I was very depressed. (She didnt die, but some of her did) A few months later, my Bitch of an Aunt said. “Dont you think its time you got over this?”

    . . . . My mouth just hung open for a moment, my brain grappling for words. I finally managed to say something, resembling what I felt about her ridiculous statement. Something like, “IF ONLY! If only we were able to CUT OFF our grieving when we chose.” I felt like I was talking to a 3 year old. I continued, “whether the pain from a broken relationship, or how about the loss of a child,” (when I was ten, my sister died at 19) “wouldn’t it be FABULOUS if we could say, ‘I think its been long enough, I don’t want to be sad or depressed anymore. This has been my acceptable amount of grieving.’ People would pay untold fortunes for that ability. And you’re suggesting I have that ability?”

    My Aunt is an idiot and an insensitive clod. Yet very fashionable.

    Wait, this ISN’T Wednesday? 🙂

  4. Iris D Says:

    I have baby/pregnancy dreams waaaaayyyy too often for my liking. I wake up right after feeling down and having a hard time getting back to sleep… sometimes I can’t for hours.

  5. Colleen Says:

    I hear you… I feel the same way every time a friend announces her pregnancy (this month was a three time sting). I feel like everytime I make progress, I have to take a step back.

  6. DAK Says:

    I hear ya, Lisa. I always think it’s the constant ‘pretending’ I have with everyone that it is over and in the past. The “get over it” thing. And after 5 years of being done with IVF, well, it just bubbles at the oddest times. Dreams being one of them and the emotion re-lived in those dreams… ugh. Sucks. So I hear ya, sista!

    Hope tonight you have Sweet Dreams.

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