Life Without Baby

Filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Interview with author, Dr. Ellen Walker June 23, 2011

Last week I had the pleasure of interviewing Dr. Ellen Walker, author of Complete Without Kids: An Insider’s Guide to Childfree Living by Choice or by Chance. Ellen is childfree by choice, and even though I am childfree by chance, we had plenty to talk about on the subjects of friendship and community, the drive for motherhood, and what to do when life doesn’t go as planned. Here’s our conversation:

Life Without Baby: How did you make the decision to be childfree?

Ellen Walker: I never spent a lot of time thinking about motherhood. I was busy with work, travel, and hobbies, and I always had partners that never wanted a family.

My current husband already had grown children, and I never felt pressure from him, this was the first time I’d really been close to a father-son relationship, and when I’d hear him on the phone, telling his son he loved him, it tugged at my heartstrings. For the first time, I began to question my decision not to have children, and suddenly I wanted a baby of my own.

After many tearful discussions and weeks of writing, talking, and contemplating, I was able to step back and analyze. I realized that if I really wanted children, I would have made it happen before.

LWB: What do you think triggered that urge?

EW: I think it’s a basic biological drive to create a child, especially in a relationship with a man. You have a primitive urge to have his baby. It’s also about not wanting to be left out of a group. When friends are having babies and people are bringing photos of children into work, you have nothing to talk about with them.

LWB: Do you find that most of your friends are also childfree?

EW: Yes. My female friends tend to be 10-20 years older because the women my own age didn’t have time for friends without kids. Their friends went to soccer games and connected because of their kids. I did seek out childfree people, but most came about through chance meetings.

LWB: How important is it to find your own community?

EW: Really important. I never thought about it until I started meeting people and got really excited when they didn’t have children. I began to seek out others. I found a childfree Meetup group and went to a few meetings. It was fun, but I realized that just being childfree does not make someone a good candidate for friendship. Now, I look for people with interests in common, and if they happen to be childfree, I nurture those relationships.

LWB: Do you ever regret your decision?

EW: Sometimes. In a way I feel as if I’ve missed a big life stage. I’ve been career driven for a long time, and I’m feeling as if I’m ready to do something else. Many women my age with children are now focusing on their careers, and I’m ready to retire. I’m trying to figure out the next stage.

If I’d been raising kids, I wouldn’t have had the energy I’ve had for other things. I’m glad I made the choice and pursued my career. I’ve had the opportunity to impact people’s lives and I’ve written a book. I wouldn’t have been able to do those things. Everyone has regrets, but luckily mine are fleeting. Mother’s Day is always hard. I recently wrote an article about it for Psychology Today, asking people to be careful about saying “Happy Mother’s Day” to every woman and to be aware that it can be a very painful day for some women, and not a happy day.

LWB: What advice would you give to someone struggling with being childfree?

EW: Let yourself go through a real grieving process, preferably with a therapist. A dream is something you’d hoped to have as a part of your identity and most likely wanted it your whole life. Losing that dream is like a death, and a formal grieving process has to include acceptance. Only then can you make a decision about where you’re going to put your energy. Then you can create a new dream, picture your future, and figure out how to make that happen.

While writing my book, I interviewed a woman in her 90s. She had never talked about her childlessness. Decades later, she still hadn’t reconciled and come-to-terms with it. She had so many strengths and talents, and had she dealt with her grief and loss, she could have embraced a new life.

LWB: It was a pleasure talking to you about your choices and hearing your insight.

EW: This is a really important issue for women of the world. We are peers for the next generation of women who may experience pressure from mothers to have grandchildren. We need to talk about this topic and be good role models for young women.

LWB: I couldn’t agree more.

To learn more about Ellen Walker, please visit her website, CompleteWithoutKids.com

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6 Responses to “Interview with author, Dr. Ellen Walker”

  1. Kathleen Guthrie Says:

    I am so picking up a copy of this book. Thank you!

  2. Kira Says:

    Another thanks, I do so well overall but I do get frustrated at my “isolation”. I’ve had 3 “do you have kids” inquiries lately, after my reply, 2 met me with horrified silence, the 3rd….such a nice older man….here we are having a fun conversation and he literally looked like HE was going to cry and went on about how beautiful I was and what a waste that I didn’t have them….am I really sure/????!!!!

    ARGHHHHHHH ITS NOT A DISEASE and why is it I’m the one walking away feeling like crap?!! LOL

    oops, that was my whiny wed, I tried so hard to keep it in, sorry 🙂

  3. Valerie Says:

    A great interview. Thank you! I especially liked the part where she talked about going through the grieving process, the loss of a dream and acknowledging your feelings. My grieving process seems to be taking forever. But I am walking through it.

  4. Lily Says:

    Great interview – thanks for bringing yet another wonderful woman to our attention!

  5. Miriam Says:

    Thank you for this interview, and for your site, which I stumbled upon after being frustrated that yet another person was posting something to their Facebook page like “It’s National Daughter’s Week–go hug your daughter!”

    I always wanted kids, but never dated a man who did. At first I didn’t worry, and I was a Big Sister, so that helped. Then after 40 I have been grieving off and on. I never wanted to get pregnant on my own, but I feel I should have at least adopted. I’m 49, my “Little Sister” now has three children of her own and has experienced something I never will. I hope “the end moment” will come soon when I come to terms with this.

    It would help if there was a national day called “Thank a childless person for not adding to your tax burden but helping you pay for your children!”

  6. Miss_Hannigan Says:

    Please don’t call yourself childfree, because you very obviously come across as child-less and regretful of your decision.


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