Life Without Baby

Filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Special Guest Post for Father’s Day June 17, 2011

With Father’s Day approaching, I am pleased to offer a very speacial guest post today. My wonderful husband offers his thoughts on Father’s Day for you, and for the men in your life who don’t always get a voice. Over to you, Mr. Fabulous:

When Lisa mentioned to me recently that her readers would be interested in my thoughts on and about Father’s Day, I immediately refused.  The seed was planted however and I thought and thought and here for you, are my thoughts:

It occurs to me that Father’s Day is another opportunity for couples suffering from the various stages of infertility to get another black eye.  My position is unusual because I have children.  Lisa and I do not have children and never will, but I am a father.  I am glad and thankful for my children and for my granddaughter.  I think about them and miss them every day.

You all know that Lisa and I are childless due to infertility. This is the single unpleasant aspect in what is otherwise a relationship filled with friendship, laughter and bliss.

I think about it every day.

Our inability to reproduce makes me sad.  Once in a while it makes me very sad, such as when I attended Lisa’s performance at “Expressing Motherhood” and her story, which I had not previewed, snuck up on me and hit me between the eyes, hard.  This is why I have not read Lisa’s memoir of our experiences; I will never read it.

Regardless of my sadness, my message to you for Father’s day is one of hope.  Lisa and I tossed in the towel two years ago and I am still frequently sad because we will never have children.  I am not sad all the time, not every day, not any more.

It will get better.

You will feel better.  Your sense of humor will return.  You will find your libido.  Life, in all its glory, will go on and you will enjoy it once again.

This Sunday, Father’s Day, please remind your partner that things will get better.  Please remember to visit, or call or think about your old man, too.

Happy Father’s Day.

Father’s Day

by Harry Ruby as sung by  Groucho Marx

Today, Father is Father’s Day

And we’re giving you a tie.

It’s not much, we know –

It’s just our way of showing you

We think you’re a regular guy . . .

You told us we didn’t have to bother

But believe us it’s our pleasure to fuss.

For according to our Mother you’re our Father –

And that’s good enough for us,

And that’s good enough for us.

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5 Responses to “Special Guest Post for Father’s Day”

  1. Kate B Says:

    The last Father’s Day I cared about was 30 years ago. For me, it’s a double reminder of what I don’t have.

  2. Kathleen Guthrie Says:

    Lisa & Jose — two FABULOUS people who have found each other and together make the world a better place. That gives me hope and something to celebrate. 🙂

  3. Ok, Kathleen Guthrie spilled the beans. Apparently Mr. Wonderful’s first name is Jose 🙂
    – Actually I wanted to say, whenever something doesn’t go the way I want it (usually things a lot more minor than the inability to have children) But I try to think of what might happen if I got what I wanted, and it wasn’t really what I wanted. Maybe the cosmos knows that having children would have destroyed your marriage (for whatever reason) and you are being “saved” from that? . . . and you just don’t know it. What if you had had children and then they were (God forbid) taken from you? I know you wouldn’t then wish, you had never had children, but it would be awful. and not what you had envisioned. We tend to glorify what we don’t have. My 20 year old sister died when I was 10 and my brother (12 years older than me) is a worthless person as a brother. (Don’t get me started) but in missing the sister 10 years older that I never had, I often think that, if she had not died young and he had for some reason, I would never have IMAGINED that he would have treated me the way he does, so who is to say the sister I got cheated out of would have been any better? (It’s not much, but sometimes it helps) I have no children because I didn’t want them. But Lisa, I also have no husband, no significant other, and virtually no family. I have many friends. Good, good, friends, but it just isn’t the same. I am alone and I am lonely. Most people want and have, something you don’t, but you HAVE something most people want, and don’t. Many people have children by default, without even really thinking about it. A really good marriage and relationship is rare and takes work. YOU are the lucky ones, my friends. The cosmos has smiled on you in one special area, and just not in another. Happy Father’s day, Mr. Wonderful and Blessings to you both.

    • lmanterfield Says:

      Thank you Kathleen. And yes, I am very appreciative of the wonderful relationship I have. In fact, the rationale you just mentioned is exactly what we said when we made our decision. We have what many people long for and we feel very lucky. And you’re right; you can drive yourself insane thinking about what might have been. Sending hugs your way. -x-

  4. Kira Says:

    Kathleen, I think you hit on something very important, we lament what we don’t have….but in doing so, I think we waste the time we have with what we DO have in life.
    We aren’t guaranteed anything in life and I think we are conditioned to assume we do. I do know & have experienced what it is like to be lonely and truly alone in life.

    For what its worth, I empathize and I am glad you see what you DO have. Our life is what we make of it.

    ((Best)), Kira


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