Life Without Baby

Filling the silence in the motherhood discussion

Talking About Infertility April 7, 2011

Last night I was at a book signing event in San Francisco. It was really fun. I sat around with about ten women and we drank wine and talked about the craziness of infertility and how life doesn’t always give you what you want—and how sometimes that’s ok.

It was a mixed group, including women who were childfree by choice, not-by-choice, or not-exactly-by-choice, as well as a handful of mothers. Here are some of the most interesting highlights for me:

From one of the mothers: “My friend just told me that she’d been through infertility treatments. I had no idea.”

From another of the mothers: “Out of my circle had nine friends, seven had problems conceiving. I didn’t realize how common a problem this is.”

From a woman who was childfree (I think not-by-choice, but I’m not sure): This isn’t the life I’d planned for myself, but I feel like I’m just where I’m supposed to be.”

From a lovely softspoken woman, the oldest member of the group: “I can completely understand how you lost all logic and behaved the way you did, because it happened to me.”

Sometimes you feel as if you’re the only person in the world to go through infertility or to find yourself childfree when you hadn’t planned it that way, but what I’m seeing first-hand is that this touches so many people. And what I’m encouraged to learn is that those who haven’t experienced it themselves want to know more, so they can help the people they care about. I find myself heartened by this.

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5 Responses to “Talking About Infertility”

  1. Tara Says:

    I love the comment

    “This isn’t the life I had planned for myself, but I feel like this is right where I’m supposed to be”

    This hits home for me…..and I’m sure many others. Life doesn’t always turn out the way we planned…….but it doesn’t mean it is any less wonderful!

    I just wish others would see it that way, my hubby and I are in our 30’s and from a big family with lots of kids……we are 2 years since we decided to stop fertility treatments and I still feel that everyone looks on with sadness to us……there is nothing I hate more then people feeling sorry for us!

    My hubby’s 2 step sisters are both pregnant and didn’t want to tell us…..I don’t know how to get across that we are fine with it, happy and fulfilled in our lives and at peace with our decisions.

  2. Mali Says:

    Nice post. I’m glad it went well, and I too am heartened when people with kids are interested, rather than just wanting to pity us (like Tara I hate it).

  3. loribeth Says:

    Glad you had a good time, & that the conversation was so thoughtful. : )

  4. marriage20 Says:

    Great post! Sounds like a wonderful conversation!

  5. Ann Says:

    TIRED OF DOCTOR’S APPOINTMENTS AND GETTING DISAPPOINTED MONTH AFTER MONTH, I HAVE DECIDED TO ACCEPT INFERTILITY. SOME DAYS I MAKE GOOD PROGRESS AND EVEN ENJOY THE FREEDOM. THEN, OUT OF NOWHERE, I BURST INTO TEARS AT THE SIGHT OF BABY CLOTHES SHOPS OR A PREGNANT WOMAN. THIS IS USUALLY FOLLOWED BY DEEP MISERY SO I GUESS I STILL HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO AS FAR AS ACCEPTING INFERTILITY IS CONCERNED!


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