Over the summer my husband and I went with a group of friends to see one of our favorite bands in concert. We’ve seen them several times in that last couple of years, but this concert was a small outdoor venue at a winery in Sonoma County, the heart of California’s Wine Country.
It was a beautiful, sunny day, the wine flowed, the picnic we brought was delicious, and when I suggested to my husband that we get up to dance on the lawn, he said yes. We danced through the entire show, until I was perspiring in a most unladylike manner and we’d just about worn a bald spot on the grass. Our other friends (who all have children) have “husbands-who-don’t-dance” and the wives, I’m sure, coveted my husband for a couple of hours. After the show we bought a CD, got it autographed by the band and even chased down the drummer, who I have a small , strange crush on. And we laughed. We danced and laughed and ate and drank. It really was a perfect day.
Two months have passed and I’m still thinking about that day. We’ve been to other concerts and events since and had a good time, maybe even been to better concerts, but that day sticks in my mind. That day my husband and I were the people we used to be before we were an infertile couple. Somewhere along that journey, little bits of who we were chipped off and we forgot why we ever got together and wanted children in the first place. That day reminded me.
If you’re childless-not-by-choice (or even not-exactly-by-choice) has the experienced changed who you are? And when was the last time you did something with your partner that made you both happy? If it’s been a while, can you plan something in the upcoming weeks that will break you out of your “infertile couple” state and remind you why you got together in the first place?
Earlier this year, Vicki at A Woman Without Children wrote about a hiking adventure with her husband. Maybe this will give you some inspiration, too.
Thank you for referring to my blog post. I re-read it this morning, and it reminded me that we need to schedule another adventure! Hopefully, it will inspire other couples to do the same.
I actually had a wonderful adventure without my husband a couple of weekends ago. I went to the Austin City Limits Music Festival with a former coworker, who was at best an acquaintance, and her 20-something sister. My husband was working and it was a 40th birthday gift to myself. I sang a lot, danced a lot and managed to overlook the fact that I was amongst the older of the crowd. There was a lot of jumping up and down, head bobbing, second-hand pot smoking and wine drinking, not to mention the joy of just being in Austin. I’m already looking forward to next year!
As for a date with my husband, we went a couple of weeks as ships passing in the night and we’ve planned a real date in November, complete with dressing up, drinks and reservations at a swanky restaurant. Couples with kids don’t get to go to swanky restaurants often or throw caution to the wind and head to Austin for four days on the spur of a moment.
That doesn’t mean I don’t miss having a kid, but sometimes I enjoy just being able to selfishly indulge.
Infertility did change us as a couple and certainly it changed me. It made me feel guilty when I would find myself enjoying myself, just doing something that I had always loved, but wouldn’t be able to do with kids. We felt as if we had to justify our great lifestyle. Fortunately, we’re over that now!
Robin, that sounds like so much fun, but Mali, I completely understand the guilt thing. I catch myself justifying having fun sometimes, but why not?!